I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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