If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
