I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My life is pants optional.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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