and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
