The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
