I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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