The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
