he puts the penis in happiness.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
