You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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