she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
