I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
