Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
