R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
