The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
should my penis look like a turkey
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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