Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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