Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
