...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
