Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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