I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
