I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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