I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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