I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
is wine microwaveable?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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