go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
