Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
