What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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