I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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