Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
