Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We talked him into tasing himself.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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