That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
