People in love make me want to vomit
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
