I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
