from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
