Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
