Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
