love makes seman taste better
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
