ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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