you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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