Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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