I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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