you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
