I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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