You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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