dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
