If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
