I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
