I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
