I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
