I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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