his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
