man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Still dying that you shit outside
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
