I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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