my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
