maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
