I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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